MOTORCYCLE JOKES » Fun and Humor

Motorcycle jokes » Fun and Humour
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Surgery!

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his ha nds on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic................................
"Try doing it with the engine running."

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You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks

On the farm lived a chicken an a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken s pied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!) "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
 

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This is a woman who knows what she wants !!!

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up acouple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told himshe was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
 

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Headlites and wheels

Motorcycle rider pulls into a diner in upstate N.Y. Seats himself and asks the waitress for 2 headlites and 2 wheels. The waitress who had just worked all night wasn't in a good mood said what are you talking about? The rider already tired ,but happy to relax at the diner said" Just tell the cook he'll know what I mean but the expression 2 headlights and 2 wheels. By this time the waitress is pissed and yells back at the old cook, "I got this weird one out here who thinks you'll know what he wants if he orders 2 headlites and 2 wheels". Yeah I know what he wants, Yells the cook, He wants 2 eggs sunny side up and 2 pancakes. No problem . Well this just pisses off the waitress even more than before. SO, just be the breakfast is served to the rider, she walks up with a big plate of chili beans and slams them down on the table. "Here" she yells for all to hear, " here's you chili! But, the rider who didn't order the chili answers back What is this for? The waitress is ready for this yells back" I thought you would want to gas up before you took off"
by Tim Rayner
 

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How the Executive Lost his Classy Kicks

• This extremely well-dressed and successful young executive was driving to a meeting when he found that the front left tire on his Lexus was flat.
• "What am I going to do?" he thought. But then he saw a gas station up ahead. It was a rundown shack with a grizzled man in overalls sitting on a porch with pools of oil, but at least it was a gas station; in the window was a large sign saying "help wanted". The executive drove up and got out of the car and explained the situation.
• "Why sure!" said the mechanic "I'm lookin' for a boy to work for me and help me out, so we're kinda short-handed. . .".
• He looked over the dapper, dignified and impeccably dressed executive's very expensive navy blue pinstriped business suit, his imported silk tie and gleaming cufflinks and white shirt, his polished black shoes, his hundred dollar haircut and his $1500 briefcase.
• "My name is Bud! You must be one of them executives!" said the mechanic. "I can tell by your classy kicks!"
• "My WHAT?" snapped the exec.
• "Your KICKS! Your SHOES! Mighty classy, sir!" grinned the mechanic.
• Yes. . .yes. Well, the FIRST thing people notice are your shoes!" said the executive in a condescending tone, as he straightened his tie and checked the shine on his shoes. "My name is Mr. James Porter. . .I am making an important presentation today! My whole career depends on it. Now please get to work! What are you doing?!"
• Bud was pulling out a huge pail of water. "You get a free car wash today, sir! I sure wish I had a boy to work for me - I gotta do this all myself!"
• "I don't have time for that!" cried Mr. Porter.
• "You wouldn't know anybody who would WORK for me, would you, sir?" asked Bud.
• "NO!" snapped Mr. Porter.
• "I should have known! Somebody who wears classy kicks like you do wouldn't know any grease monkeys!"
• "GET TO WORK" snapped Mr. Porter
• "Now, don't worry! You upper class folks are always worryin'!" And at that moment, Bud's foot hit the pail of water, and it toppled over, completely soaking Mr. Porter's expensively shod feet.
• "NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!" yelled Mr. Porter. "My feet are DRENCHED through! SOAKED! Do you know how much these shoes cost! Someone like YOU doesn't have to worry about this!"
• "Oh, sir! Please accept my apology! All over your fancy high class shoes! Well, it's a fine day. . .just take off yer shoes and socks and let them dry! Nobody is gonna see ya!"
• "Take off my shoes and socks! I suppose I have no choice! I'm just glad that my colleagues can't see this!" said Mr. Porter, as he sat on the porch and slowly, grudgingly slid his feet out of his highly polished black Brooks Brothers shoes and then peeled off his business socks. Bud picked up the shoes and whistled with admiration.
• "Mighty fancy!" he said, with a grin. "Ya know, you look like you belong here now that yer barefoot!"
• "Put my shoes down immediately!" said Mr. Porter coldly.
• Mr. Porter carefully arranged his suit and tie as if to make up for the indignity of going barefoot.
• "Lemme show ya somethin', Mister Porter" said Bud, who got into the car and drove it forward - and ran over Mr. Porter's briefcase, ruining it.
• "MY BRIEFCASE!" yelled the businessman.
• "Sorry, sir! But I have to tell ya something!" said Bud, who was bending over the engine.
• "I didn't ask you to look at the engine" shouted Mr. Porter. "You destroyed my briefcase!!"
• "But you got a problem!" said Bud. "Look! Get closer!"
• Mr. Porter leaned over the engine. "I don't see anything. . ."
• "Closer!" said Bud.
• "I still don't. . ." and Mr. Porter began to lift his head, and felt himself stuck.
• "My tie!" he yelled. "My necktie. . .and my suspenders! They're caught in the engine!"
• "Look what ya done, sir! I'll get ya free!"
• "I DIDN'T DO THIS!" yelled Mr. Porter, but he couldn't move at all. His tie and his suspenders had gotten tied up in the engine. . ..Somehow.
• "Now just hold still!" said Bud, and in a moment, Mr. Porter was free, and his tie and suspenders were in Bud's hands.
• "ARE YOU INSANE?!" yelled Mr. Porter. "Give me those. . ."
• "Mr. Porter" said Bud, ignoring the comment. "I'm gonna need yer help in getting' that tire out of the back, and then you gotta help me get the new one - it's underneath an old engine. I can't lift 'em, ya see. I got lumbago. It's too bad I ain't got a boy to work for me!"
• "What?!" said Mr. Porter. "You expect ME to do it? Look at this suit! This is a two thousand dollar suit! It was tailored for me. I can't get it dirty, and this is a silk tie! And a hundred dollar shirt! I'm an executive. . .I don't do menial work. . ."
• "I'm sorry, sir. . ." said Bud. "There's no other way! I know! Why don't ya take off yer nice suit? I got a fine pair of overalls for ya!"
• "This is an outrage!" cried Mr. Porter. "I will NOT take off my suit! I have my dignity and my pride!"
• "Then you'll have yer dignity and yer pride but you won't get a new tire" said Bud.
• Mr. Porter stomped and fumed but finally gave in and angrily stripped off his pinstriped business suit, his cufflinks and his starched white shirt and placed them on a wooden table. Then he put on the greasy overalls and pulled the tire out of the trunk.
• But just then his bare feet hit a patch of oil, and he staggered backwards and fell; the filthy tire fell on top of him. He felt his head hit something soft. Bud ran over and said: "Mr. Porter, it's a good thing your head hit the tar! It broke yer fall!"
• The executive pushed the tire off, and felt the grease, gravel and tar all over his t-shirt and his face. He lifted what had been a manicured hand to his head and felt a mass of something gooey.
• "My hair!" Mr. Porter yelled, as he stood.
• "I gotta cut that tar out, sir! It ain't gonna come out any other way!" and he pulled out some scissors and with a few quick snips, the executive's neat haircut was replaced by a patchy crewcut.
• "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" yelled Mr. Porter.
• "Here, this will calm ya down!" Bud shoved a bottle of whiskey into Mr. Porter's hand and poured solme of it on his shirt.
• "NO!" yelled the executive. "LOOK AT ME, YOU IDIOT!"
• "Leave me alone! Help, police!" screamed Bud. He grabbed Mr. Porter's cell phone and called the police and then called the newspaper.
• In a moment the police were there.
• Bud whimpered: "This man is drunk! Just smell him, officer! And tried to beat me up! and rob the till!"
• "I DID NOT!" shouted Mr. Porter.
• "Assault, robbery, disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, drunkenness...you're coming with me!"
• And the policeman dragged the struggling Mr. Porter, barefoot in overalls off to jail.
• The next day the judge prepared to sentence Mr. Porter while they all looked at the newspaper with the headline: Drunk Thief Jailed for Assault and Robbery.
• But Bud said; "Your honor, don't put this man behind bars! He ATTACKED me, but, I'll allow him to make it up to me - I got an idea!"
• A month later, a customer drove up to Bud's and Bud called his new assistant to wait on him. A man in overalls and work boots and a crew cut came out and started to work on the car.
• "JIMMY BOY! Don't forget the oil! You ex-cons are always slow!"
• "YES, SIR!" said Jimmy-boy Porter.
• A Porsche with a "for sale" sign sat outside.
• A help wanted sign lay in the garbage.
• In the window was an Italian pinstriped business suit, a silk tie, a white shirt, and a pair of cuff links with a "for sale" sign.
• "Don't forget what I told ya!" snapped Bud.
• "But, please..." said Jimmy-boy.
• "NOW!" yelled Bud.
• Jimmy-boy sighed and went up to the customer.
• "Sir, we have a special today - with an oil change, you can buy these real cheap."
• He held up a pair of very expensive polished business shoes.
• "These are for sale. One pair of classy kicks - once worn by a former executive - best offer - silk socks included. After all, the first thing people notice are your shoes."
by John Westin
 

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The Happy Mailman

• It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
• At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
• At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
• When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"
• "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'
by Sajidun

 

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Jedi Waterslide

• My fear is real as I study the drop
It took me an eon to get to the top
My hair and swimsuit still drip from the last ride
I wouldn't concede without dad by my side
We made it a game so I wouldn't have doubt
The Jedis are counting on me to help out
Darth Vader, the Emperor, and storm troopers fight
Only my courage will end this dark plight
I take a deep breath to dispell all my nerves
It doesn't relax, but the purpose it serves
With eyes shut tight I rush down the slide
It's amazingly long, but not very wide
I think I'm home free as my fear turns to glee
Half the way down, Dad is yelling to me
I think all the worst that could happen is through
Until Dad's words reach me,
"May the shorts be with you!"
by Layton Campbell

 

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The ideal wife

• Honey, are you sure you have enough beer for tonight?
• I love you working on the bike on Saturdays, we should do it together on Sundays?
• Honey, I have decided to walk naked at home.
• You are so sexy when you are hungry!
• Sweetheart, what kind of brakes do you want me to buy for the bike?
• Do you mind if we watch the game together tonight and finish a dozen of beers?
• I am going to wash the bike!
• No, No, No. I am changing the motor oil this time.
• Forget about St Valentine we can go for a bike show instead.
• Your mother is so much better than me.
• That's enough! I don't wanna go for shopping anymore. We better stay home, rent some hot movies and ....I can invite my girlfriend to join us.
• Listen, a new striptease bar just opened across the street. Why don't we go and take a look?
• Honey, I just enrolled myself in yoga classes to learn how to put my legs behind my neck. Only for you sweetheart.
 

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Harley and Hoovers

• They have something in common at least, They both Suck. But there is a difference! You only get one dirt bag on a Hoover.
by Glen Gordner
 

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The rabbit biker

• Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now." The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell.
 

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Why the snail can't ride a motorcycle

• Why the the snail can't ride a motorcycle? Because its eyes will wave.
 

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Animals don't talk

• While riding one day, alone Biker met a Farmer riding a horse with a dog and a sheep alongside. The biker began a conversation . . . .
• Biker: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
• Farmer: "Dogs don't talk."
• Biker: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
• Dog: "Doing' alright."
• Farmer: Look of shock.
• Biker: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the farmer.
• Dog: "Yep."
• Biker: "How does he treat you?"
• Dog: "Really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, & takes me to the river once a week."
• Farmer: Look of total disbelief.
• Biker: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
• Farmer: "Horses don't talk."
• Biker: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
• Horse: "Cool."
• Farmer: Extreme look of shock.
• Biker: "Is this your owner? " pointing at the Farmer.
• Horse: "Yessiree Bob."
• Biker: "How's he treating you?"
• Horse: "Pretty good, and thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
• Farmer: Total look of utter amazement.
• Biker: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
• Farmer: "The sheep is a liar."
 

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Watch the signs

• A police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, 'Ma'am, you're driving much too slowly, could you please drive faster?"
• And the nun says, 'Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 km/h"
• The officer explains: 'No ma'am, the speed limit is 80. The highway number is Interstate 21." 
• Then the police officer look at the passenger and see the other nun shaking like a leaf.
• "Excuse me sister, but what's wrong with your passenger?"
• "Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 205."
 

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Stopped for speeding

• A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns  this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
 

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An Old man on a moped

• A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1996, Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him 500,000 EURO. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
• The young man replies: "A 1996 Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It cost 500,000 EURO.
• "That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?
• "Because this car can do up to 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
• The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?
• "Sure," replies the owner. So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" 
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 200 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my 7?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun an RX-7?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-Bbbla...MMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and Jesus to Betsy, it is the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
• The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
 

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Wearing your jacket back wards !

• Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over. His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that." "Just put the jacket on backwards." His friend advised. They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out. A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police. They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?" "Well," the farmer explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"
 

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A little old lady wants to join a local biker club !

• A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
• She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
• The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.
• The biker asks: "Do you have a motorcycle?"
• The little old lady replies: "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.
• The biker asks: "Do you drink?"
• The little old lady replies: "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
• The biker asks: "Do you smoke?"
• The lady replies: "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day. I'm shooting pool."
• Very impressed the biker asks: "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
• The old lady thinks for a minute and says: Nope, ... but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
 

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Gynecologist..... a motorcycle mechanic?

• A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with motorcycle engines so thought he'd become a motorcycle mechanic. The good doctor went along to the American Institute of Motorcycling, the best motorcycle mechanics school in the country, and completed the training class. The final exam was to strip a bike engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said, "No, no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine -- a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really. Then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."
 

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Thirsty work

• A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular biker bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his motorcycle. After trying his keys on five other bikes, he finally found his own bike. He sat on his motorcycle in a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, and again on and off. He started his engine and pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.  The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed. "I doubt it," said the man, "You see, tonight I am the designated decoy... I haven't had a drink all day!"
 

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Motorcycle wisdom of the road

• Midnight bugs taste best.
• Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they CAN hold everything you need.
• Home is where your bike sits still long enough to leave a few drops of oil on the ground.
• The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror.
• Bikes don't leak oil, they mark their territory.
• Never mistake horsepower for staying power.
• If you don't ride in the rain - you don't ride.
• A bike on the road is worth two in the shed.
• Young riders pick a destination and go. . . Old riders pick a direction and go.
• A good mechanic will let you watch without charging you for it.
• Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop for the night.
• Winter is Nature's way of telling you to polish your bike.
• Well-trained reflexes are quicker than luck.
• The best alarm clock is sunshine on chrome.
• A friend is someone who'll get out of bed at 2 am to drive his pickup to the middle of nowhere.
• There's something ugly about a NEW bike on a trailer.
• Practice wrenching on your own bike.
• Never be ashamed to unlearn an old habit
• Maintenance is as much art as it is science.
• If you ride like there's no tomorrow - there won't be.
• Gray-haired riders don't get that way from pure luck
• There are drunk riders. There are old riders. There are NO old, drunk riders.
• No matter what marquee you ride, it's all the same wind.
• Only a Biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window.
 

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Why Motorcycles are better than women

• Your motorcycle doesn't get upset when you forget it's birthday.
• You don't have to talk to your motorcycle after you ride it.
• You can choke your motorcycle.
• Your motorcycle doesn't get mad when you ignore it for a month or so.
• Motorcycles don't get jealous if you come home with grease under your fingernails.
• Motorcycles don't snore.
• Your motorcycle won't wake you up at 3:00 AM and ask you if you love it.
• Your motorcycle won't leave you for another rider.
• You don't have to pay child support / alimony to an ex-motorcycle.
• If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
• If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
• If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
• If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
• If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
• If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
• If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
• If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
• It's always OK to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
• Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
• Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
• Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
• Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
• Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
• Motorcycles don't have parents.
• Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
• Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
• Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
• Motorcycles last longer.
• Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
• Motorcycles' curves never sag.
• New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
• When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
• You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
• You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
• You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.
• You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
• You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
• You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
• You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that • Motorcycles are equals.
• You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
• You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
• You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is worn.
• Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
• Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
• Your Motorcycle doesn't car what you're wearing when you take it out.
• Wearing two fresh rubbers makes riding a bike MORE enjoyable.
• The rashes you get from motorcycles go away without those painful IM Penicillin shots.
• One gets in no trouble for storing disassembled pieces of the motorcycle in the basement.
• Disassembling the motorcycle is done out of pleasure rather than need.
• Motorcycles always sound pleasant.
• Unlike women FAT motorcycles aren't cheap dates.
 

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Motorcycle tool-guide

 • Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4 - used for levering a bike upright after using a hydraulic jack on the bike.
 • Hydraulic Bike Jack/Platform - ingeniously-designed tool for flipping bikes onto their sides, usually when you're alone in the shop.
 • Wire Wheel - cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Hand me 'nother beer, Bubba!"
 • Drill Press - a tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Pamela Anderson poster over the bench grinder.
 • Oxy Acetylene torch - used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
 • Vice-Grips - used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
 • Electric Hand Drill - normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling roll-bar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
 • Mechanic's Knife - used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leathers or bike covers.
 • Hammer - originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive chrome scooter parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
 • Tweezers - a tool for removing wood splinters.
 • Phone - tool for calling your neighbor Bubba to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.  • Snap-On Gasket Scraper - theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.  
 • E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor - a tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
 • Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist - a handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. Almost capable of lifting a Gold Wing off the floor.  
 • Craftsman 1/2 x 16 Inch Screwdriver - a large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.  
 • Battery - electrolyte Tester A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from scooter battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.  • Hacksaw - one of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
 • Trouble Light - the mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found in garages at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. 
 • Air Compressor - a machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and rounds them off.
 • Phillips Screwdriver - normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
 • Timing Light - a stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
 

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